11/29/2004
Turkey, gin and a proud uncle...

I wake up and go to bed every day with a sick feeling. It�s not of nerves, or fear� but being isolated with no sign of direction or comfort. No stability, no safety. It is truly the most unnerving thing I�ve ever felt.

My friend told me yesterday they say the two most traumatic things one can experience are losing a loved one and moving. I�ve never heard that before, but I sure as hell believe it.

Denver for Thanksgiving was nice. It was great to see my family, and to get my mind off things for awhile. My mom again offered to fly me home for Christmas � not wanting me to be alone � but I insisted I�d be fine. If I were going to be alone, I�d probably have to Xanax my way through the weekend, honestly� but instead I�ll be spending it with a friend from Orlando and his family just outside of Dallas.

Awaiting departure from Denver, I went to the bar for a quick gin & tonic. On the flight, I had two more. Then there was a mix-up, and they accidentally brought me a third. I drank it. Sitting there with my serious buzz, I listened to songs that embraced my mood� country songs I associate with people and places� good memories and bad. I was a full-fledged drunk when my buddy picked me up. We then continued to Uncle Julio�s for fine Mexican food and less fine alcohol. Dropped off at home, I recovered from my buzz only to venture to The Round Up to satisfy an urge for new faces. The bar was packed, but I miserable� wandering through crowds of people I could care less about� at one point seeing a group of The Heartbreaker�s friends � I�m almost sure I saw one of them look my way then divert his eyes. Yay for new cities and new people.

While in Denver I had a conversation with my sister, a veteran of relocation and change, regarding what makes a place home. You can live anywhere, and very quickly it becomes the same as the place before� granted there may be more opportunities -- but without a support infrastructure of friends and family, everything feels lost and isolated. We agreed the only solution is time� time to establish a routine and friendships.

It�s always hard when I see my brother or sister�s kids. They don�t see me often, so they do that thing where they run and hide behind their mommy or daddy� unsure of their Uncle Kevin. However, this trip, before long, my sister�s 2 year old would look up at me with her arms extended� wanting to be picked up and held. I loved that.

I carried her through the mall while shopping with my sister and mom. She clung to my shoulder and marveled in the lights, colors and commotion of the holiday. I proudly carried and entertained her� enjoying every second.

It definitely changed my perspective on a couple things. I have a much stronger desire to nurture than I realized.


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