I drove to the way-far-away Collin Creek mall last night. I returned some shoes to The Buckle, opted not to replace them, and continued on my way. Returning to my apartment, I left the television off (as I usually do), and piddled around in silence � oh wait, except for Ms. Squeeksworth on the floor above me. Stomp, stomp... Squeeeeek, squeeeeeek, stomp, stomp, squeeeek. Whatever.

I called my old first love, now living in California, and we caught up for awhile. For once, I didn�t feel good after speaking with him� although he�s doing great (which I was glad to hear), I was jealous. Yes. Petty, jealous, envious --- the whole lot of unattractive emotions. He�s always been poor at disguising his opinions� so when I was �still living in an apartment�, his response was �well, you�re what� 25? You�re still young.� Like �I guess you have an excuse� but you seriously need to get your act together.� Or at least that�s how I interpreted it. Lately, in my constant state of brittle comfort, this �I�m successful, you�re not� speech was pretty much the demise of my evening. Long story short, this initiated my usual �what have I done with my life?!?� panic attack.

I wanted a glass of wine, and I wanted out of my apartment. I headed to After Dark, since it was close and had a good house merlot. I didn�t expect to see The Young Couple there on a Monday, but it would�ve been a bonus.

The place was near empty� 3 people at the bar, a few more on the plastic�d-in-and-heated patio� and me. I sat at the bar, and used my merlot to wash down a xanax.

Returning home, calm from the wine, I lay on the couch in the dark, watching the fire log flicker. A guy from New York that I�d met online awhile back called. We aren�t trying to date or anything� we�re both just someone to talk to, I guess. We chatted until I fell asleep, which I very much enjoyed.

I arrived late to work today, much as I used to when I was disenchanted with my life in Nashville. When you struggle to find importance in your day, an extra hour in bed seems harmless, really.

With the Christmas season upon us, (reads: Blgh) it�s the time for parties. Gay people do love their Christmas parties, however the trick is making it to the invitation list. With my tiny circle of acquaintances, I can�t expect much. The Well-to-do-people Club, the professional crowd I recently joined for a monthly fee, is having their Christmas party soon. I have three objectives: 1) Find a physician (weird objective, I know� but since there are sure to be more than a few doctors there, I can kind of �shop� for one. How often do you get to interview the guys who may one day ask you to turn your head and cough?) 2) Make more friends 3) Get invited to other Christmas parties.

So far, the only other Christmas parties I�m scheduled to attend are:

1) My office party � held at a country club. I�ll be attending alone, and have no idea what to expect.

2) The office BUILDING party. Truly the saddest of them all, I am invited simply because our company leases space in this building.

3) The aforementioned Well-to-do-people Club Christmas party.

I�m sure you�ll hear about these after the fact.

Last but not least, this Saturday I will be seeing Varekai � the Cirque du Soleil show. My buddy (the one who liked me at first, but now is just a friend) has invited me to attend, since his boss bought him two tickets. He isn�t dating anyone, so he asked me. I�m extremely excited and appreciative, since I know those tickets are pricey and the show supposedly amazing. Yay for something good.