02/02/2005
From Mary-Kate to Ashley

So I started this entry out as a list of random �about me� things. It became increasingly disinteresting, so I switched back to the normal style.

I�ve been tracing the root of my insecurities lately� my biggest one having always been that I felt skinny and self-conscious about my body. I�ve always seen the image of a man to be 6�, 185lbs� or similar proportions. Subconsciously, height and thickness project an image of strength and security� which I�ve never felt I possess. Although basically content with my height at 5�11, a weight of 145 pounds is nothing particularly sexy. I�ve always wanted to physically be the kind of guy I found attractive. I�m not sure if that�s a weird vanity issue, normal, or what� but my issue nonetheless.

What I�m getting at, and what I�m excited about, is that lately I�m not seeing that skinny guy anymore. I�m becoming confident and comfortable with what the mirror reflects. People react to me differently (in a bar setting) than before, which in turn feeds the confidence machine, I suppose. Now, at just under 170 (I was 146 when I arrived in Dallas), with a final goal of 175, I feel like for the first time I�ve nearly ditched a discomfort that�s tagged along in my mind for as long as I can remember. I don�t worry about looking too scrawny in anything I wear, or being embarrassed to wear short-sleeved shirts.

Sushi with The Borderline Bear was nice last night. We went to an AWESOME place on lower Greenville Avenue (The equivalent of �The Strip�, but for straight people). It was a nice, comfortable dinner, with moderate conversation. Afterwards, we returned to my apartment to watch Garden State. We were well-behaved, and he left around 10:30. I don�t really know that this is heading in any particular direction, or that either of us wants it to� but he�s low drama, and easy to be around. I think he feels the same.


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