03/07/2005
No more Heartbreaker entries! (After this one)

The other day The Tall Friend told me he's sick of hearing about The Heartbreaker in my diary. Or in general. Or both. I didn't disagree. I'm sick of writing about him, so I'm sure everyone's sick of hearing. However... despite trying to cut all ties for the sake of my sanity, he texted me today (he was blocked from Messenger) to tell me that he was disappointed and hurt that I didn't even call once this weekend. And so I unblocked him on messenger, and revealed every last emotion, without hesitation, without pride and without censor.

The text message from him:
THB: Do you always brush people off this easily? I know VGL was in town and all, but seriously�NO phone call the entire weekend?

Me: In all honesty, I enjoy being around you... but I feel something more that is one-sided... so I'm constantly frustrated by it. I figured as I got to know you better, I'd probably stop being attracted... to my surprise, I liked what I saw. So instead of continuing to drive myself nuts, I'm doing all I know to do... which is cut off communication and try to move on with making other friends, etc.

THB: i mean, i don't know what to do or say

THB: it would really hurt to not have you as a friend

...

THB: well i hate that it's driven you to cut me off

Me: It's not really about you.

THB: well it's AFFECTING me

...

THB: do you feel bad when you spend time with me?

Me: no, but I feel a little empty.

THB: how so?

Me: I always feel like I'm holding back, or having to hold back... and it's frustrating. It's a little nuts, I guess... but I feel like I'm fighting what feels very natural. And like I said, I've never felt this without having it reciprocated.

THB: i apologize for my naivete..but you want to act affectionate? that's what you're holding back?

Me: I apologize for my nativity, too. I'm missing the baby Jesus and two wise men.

{pause}

Okay, I found that HYSTERICAL. I mean, inappropriate timing or not, it has to make you laugh.

{resuming and skipping forward}

Me: in a nutshell... our relationship isn't going to progress beyond a friendship... so I need to quit hangin' around like it is.

THB: but you can't handle just a friendship?

Me: I guess not.

...

Me: I need you to actually tell me that you aren't attracted to me beyond friendship. I've never heard you say that, and I think that's left me with a 'what if' for too long. I need something certain. Something clear that helps me draw boundaries and gain perspective.

THB: what will that do? all i want is to have you as a close friend like i thought we were becoming. sadly, the prospect of losing that is making me very depressed right now

THB: but instead of withdrawing, i want to fight to keep it

...

THB: but to answer your question as concretely as i can, i do only want us to be friends

Me: that's what I needed to hear.

THB: i'm sorry if i did things to be a little too flirtatious

THB: i guess i get that way when i get close to someone

Me: I don't know that they were flirtatious... rather how I wanted to interpret them.

Me: this has been hangin' over me for awhile... I'm embarrased by it.

THB: don't be embarrassed by it

THB: kevin, i like you so much as a person

THB: i think you're giving, unselfish, supportive...

THB: i need someone like you to be around

Me: thank you.

THB: well i wanted you to know

...

Me: I ask that you're patient as I try to get my head back on straight. I'll try to be less mysterious and mean.

THB: as long as your something to me

Me: deal.

So now that you're asleep or grossed out by the cheesy, Saved-by-the-bell-esq ending, I hope there's at least a better insight into the THB situation, and why I've been torn for so long. However, for once, I got a direct "i do only want us to be friends" answer. So what if I had to embarrass the shit outta myself to do so.

If anyone has respect left for me after witnessing my over-sharing, emotion-filled, cheese-topped pathetic confessions, I'll be here tomorrow to write about something else.


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