03/07/2005
The text message from him:
THB: Do you always brush people off this easily? I know VGL was in town and all, but seriously�NO phone call the entire weekend?
Me: In all honesty, I enjoy being around you... but I feel something more that is one-sided... so I'm constantly frustrated by it. I figured as I got to know you better, I'd probably stop being attracted... to my surprise, I liked what I saw. So instead of continuing to drive myself nuts, I'm doing all I know to do... which is cut off communication and try to move on with making other friends, etc.
THB: i mean, i don't know what to do or say
THB: it would really hurt to not have you as a friend
...
THB: well i hate that it's driven you to cut me off
Me: It's not really about you.
THB: well it's AFFECTING me
...
THB: do you feel bad when you spend time with me?
Me: no, but I feel a little empty.
THB: how so?
Me: I always feel like I'm holding back, or having to hold back... and it's frustrating. It's a little nuts, I guess... but I feel like I'm fighting what feels very natural. And like I said, I've never felt this without having it reciprocated.
THB: i apologize for my naivete..but you want to act affectionate? that's what you're holding back?
Me: I apologize for my nativity, too. I'm missing the baby Jesus and two wise men.
{pause}
Okay, I found that HYSTERICAL. I mean, inappropriate timing or not, it has to make you laugh.
{resuming and skipping forward}
Me: in a nutshell... our relationship isn't going to progress beyond a friendship... so I need to quit hangin' around like it is.
THB: but you can't handle just a friendship?
Me: I guess not.
...
Me: I need you to actually tell me that you aren't attracted to me beyond friendship. I've never heard you say that, and I think that's left me with a 'what if' for too long. I need something certain. Something clear that helps me draw boundaries and gain perspective.
THB: what will that do? all i want is to have you as a close friend like i thought we were becoming. sadly, the prospect of losing that is making me very depressed right now
THB: but instead of withdrawing, i want to fight to keep it
...
THB: but to answer your question as concretely as i can, i do only want us to be friends
Me: that's what I needed to hear.
THB: i'm sorry if i did things to be a little too flirtatious
THB: i guess i get that way when i get close to someone
Me: I don't know that they were flirtatious... rather how I wanted to interpret them.
Me: this has been hangin' over me for awhile... I'm embarrased by it.
THB: don't be embarrassed by it
THB: kevin, i like you so much as a person
THB: i think you're giving, unselfish, supportive...
THB: i need someone like you to be around
Me: thank you.
THB: well i wanted you to know
...
Me: I ask that you're patient as I try to get my head back on straight. I'll try to be less mysterious and mean.
THB: as long as your something to me
Me: deal.
So now that you're asleep or grossed out by the cheesy, Saved-by-the-bell-esq ending, I hope there's at least a better insight into the THB situation, and why I've been torn for so long. However, for once, I got a direct "i do only want us to be friends" answer. So what if I had to embarrass the shit outta myself to do so.
If anyone has respect left for me after witnessing my over-sharing, emotion-filled, cheese-topped pathetic confessions, I'll be here tomorrow to write about something else.