03/21/2005
And then I had something to say

Maybe I spoke too soon.

I've been in a professional and personal whirlwind since the big move to The Big D. I stress about stupid things, things I never worried about in Nashville or Orlando.

For example:
I attended TYC's wedding shower yesterday. It was sunny, warm, springy outside. I was happy to be attending. I was happy to give them the fancy pots from the fancy kitchen store on their registry. Granted I've only been to one shower-like event before, and it was semi-casual, and straight of course. I thought as long as I looked like I put some thought into what I wore, I'd be fine. I wore some really cool new jeans, a cool retroish horizontally striped shirt, and some flip-flops (leather, at least). I was clean and presentable, and felt confident about this until I arrived. As I sat in my vehicle for a moment, I witnessed the attire of other attendies... trendy striped button-down shirts, with flared collars and the standard-gay-fare shiney black shoes. Their pleatless, grey or black expensive pants. It was almost like an unspoken uniform. Like everyone recieves a memo regarding trends and appropriate attire. Everyone but me, of course. Upon consideration of returning home to change, not wanting to be perceived as making light of the event, I decided to stick it out. I apologized for dressing a little casual to TYC, and as always, they said I was fine and that I looked nice. Regardless, I was all anxietied-out from fear of judgement, or being "the guy that was dressed like that!

I find myself not wanting to go to things like The Well-to-do People's Club meetings, dinner at new restaurants or... well... wedding showers because of how worked up I get worrying that I'll be the bumpkin or the joke. I've never worried about this so consistently anywhere else I've lived.

I feel pressure... whether it's being placed on me, or I'm placing it on myself... I constantly feel as though I'm being judged... examined. Everyone is always nice, but I'm just not fitting. And not sure that I want to. Or am supposed to.

I am very proud of who I am, and that I've maintained my character -- and will continue to do so. As that is something important to me, it also is a continuing difficulty in a place so style-and-social-centric.

Until recently I thought of myself as somewhat sophisticated... but I realize I'm not. Not at all, really. I thought I wanted to know alot about wine, types of classical music, high-end cookware, the names of the latest designers, etc... but the more I'm exposed to the people who do, the more I'm disinterested. I'm pretty simple in a lot of ways, and have only begun to realize it. And be okay with it. Almost proud of it.

I just don't know that Dallas is quite the place to be proud of one's simplicity.

I spent some time checking out open positions and locations for top-notch design agencies. The ones I've always heard about... the ones I use to think were unattainable. These days, however, my professional confidence is high, and upon aquiring 2 years agency experience here, I'll be ready. I will be able to move to California or Atlanta, or maybe even Chicago... if I so desire. I'm not giving up on Dallas just yet... six months is hardly a fair shot... but I'm not quite ready to have the lone star state tattooed on my ass, either.


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