Saturday I had committed to attending a dinner for The Turtle Creek Chorale -- Crazy co-worker and his partner had invited me. After previously spending a few hours with The Heartbreaker running errands, I was, as usual, left feeling sad and frustrated at our departure.

The dinner was fine, I was heavily liquored, but it ran later than expected and I had to cancel an invitation to attend a party with The Heartbreaker later that evening. I believe he was disappointed, and even irritated -- as Crazy Coworker and partner were clued into my crush-on-a-friend-that-I-want-to-be-more-with, and coerced me into sending a not-so-nice text message. The Heartbreaker knew I'd been down about missing my friends lately, and so he invited me to attend this party... which I missed... and I ended up sending a rather short "busy, meet me at the roundup" message. His reply was "have a good time." Last night, he revealed that his mind was jumping to conclusions as to what "busy" meant -- maybe that I was making out with someone. Is it wishful thinking to believe that he was hurt by the thought of my making out with someone?

THB has become a good friend lately -- and I'm not just saying that. We have a great time together, and have begun opening up and trusting eachother with more personal information. However, with this, I'm falling for him all over again... moreso, even.

I decided I was going to reveal my feelings. I actually went as far as to tell him I needed to talk to him. I've chickened out with each opportunity, scared that I'll screw up the friendship if my feelings aren't reciprocated. He's expressed frustration at not understanding why I've left him in the dark when I'm down lately. That he can't help me feel better if he doesn't know what's going on. I'm just too scared to put it all out there.

I'm not one to frequently quote songs, write poetry or lyrics in my diary, but the song Complicated (not the Avril Lavign one) has been ringing in my head. I didn't realize feelings like this ever really happened outside of teenage-girl sitcoms. Who knew.

I'm so scared that the way that I feel is written all over my face
When you walk into the room, I wanna find a hiding place
We used to laugh, we used to hug the way that old friends do
But now a smile and a touch of your hand just makes me come unglued
It's such a contradiction
Do I lie or tell the truth?
Is it fact or fiction?
The way I feel for you
It's so complicated, I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away, I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay
Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel...
I want you to go... but then again I don't... it's so complicated.

I investigated a new gym yesterday, and am toying with switching to mornings to avoid THB. If I'm not gonna face it, running from it is all I've got. Dating someone would help, too. Someone to take my focus.